Changes

Today is different.  It is the beginning of the rest of my life.  Last night, I had no nightmares.  This morning, I was awoken by my cat Chewby and felt no nausea or anxiety. Maybe it’s because it’s a day off, maybe not, but I hope it is something that will become a trend.  I’ve always struggled with anxiety, and chose some less than healthy ways to deal with it, but my old coping mechanisms have fallen to the wayside, being replaced by breathing exercises, prayer, and, well, yes I still smoke cigarettes, but who is perfect?

So, instead of reflecting on some of life’s bleaker realities, I just wanted to be grateful today.  Sunshine & 60+ temperatures (and climbing).  Knowing I can spend today doing whatever I want to do, because all of my personal chores & errands are taken care of, and I don’t have to spend my day off doing someone else’s laundry because they were too damn lazy to get it done themselves.  I am drinking a magical cup of coffee with the most amazing partner sitting next to me, full of love and support as she watches her human mother struggle on a daily basis, she is always here for me.  I am very thankful to still be alive, and that my parents raised me with love and encouragement (most of the time), and that I had enough strength to leave an abusive situation.  I beat myself up constantly for the bad decisions I’ve made, whether it was getting arrested, wasting time and energy in fruitless pursuits, or fighting for and marrying a man that obviously didn’t want to love or care for anyone other than himself.  But less often, do I give myself credit for the few good things I’ve accomplished.  So, I’m consciously making the effort to not beat myself up today.  I am flawed and I’ve done the best that I can, but that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful or smart or capable, it just means that my journey is hard right now, navigating through this life with nothing more than a detailed account of what NOT to do.

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