fuck

down, down, down it goes

I’ve always been an optimist, I’m that person who would say, “It can only get better; it can’t get much worse than this!”  

That’s bullshit. It can always get worse.  I’ve never been homeless, I’ve never had to sell my body for basic human necessities, or had to rely on the kindness of strangers so I wouldn’t go hungry.  That’s worse.  That’s the bottom.  All the shit that I’ve been through, whether it was getting arrested, being bullied, beaten, disrespected, robbed, belittled, betrayed, seems so inconsequential to more “real problems” so yes, it can get worse, and it has. 

I feel powerless to my emotions, and they are taking me on one hell of a ride today.  My last entry was filled with hope and positive outlook, and I did have a great day, but the weather didn’t last, and with the clouds & cold my nausea & anxiety have returned, along with the nightmares.  I’ve tried lucid dreaming, I’ve tried cognitive exercises, I’ve tried meditation and distraction techniques…. nothing’s worked for me.  I used to experience dream-less sleep when I was a drinker, but I refuse to lean on that crutch again.  There has to be a better way to work through this.  

I just wish God could come and shake me out of this feeling. Frustrated, hopeless, scared feelings consume my heart.  Almost every moment of my alone time is spent either fighting tears or just giving into the comfort of sadness.  I’ve gotten so many judgmental reactions, both assertive and passive-aggressive, that I’m even apprehensive of talking to a counselor.  I don’t know if I can survive any more rejection at this time and maintain my sanity.  Dear God, why are you always sending these obstacles my way?  Why can’t I ever get a break?   

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