Asides

One of my first entries described the events of the first red-flag I witnessed in my marriage, the destruction of the legal marriage document by my husband before it was ever mailed.  He eradicated any legitimacy our union might have in the eyes of the legal system, however, we were still married in the tradition of the Islam, we had our nikkah performed in the masjid, by the shiekh.  

Today, I’m meeting with him.  He’s already spoken to the other party, so I’m not sure what will be said or what’s already been done.  I have so much anxiety and fear, but also sadness.  I think I know in my heart that it’s really over and I’m scared to move on into the unknown.  I’ve felt a variety of emotions, including relief and excitement, but all there is today is fear and sadness.  I’m ashamed to say I feel this way, I’m being weak and easily influenced by nightmares.  My support system has taken a hit as well, which is making this even harder.  

I’d pray for myself, but I’m starting to think that’s useless too.

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So, it’s been a while! I’ve been super busy with work and some family stuff, so I guess those are both good reasons to not be spending so much time online.  I’ve also been going to counseling on a weekly basis, which is helping me more than I ever imagined.  I haven’t experienced morning nausea in a week (fingers crossed) and I feel like I’m finally okay with what has happened to me, on most days.  I definitely still have off days and low moments, but I’ve been staying positive & sober and that’s what counts.